Link's Not-so Heroic Quest
by ZCrystal
Summary: Link, Epona, Tatl, the wonderful*ahem* Princess Zelda, and plenty of the others set out on a quest for the Great Tree. Will Link and Zelda fall in love? Will they save the tree? Will they ever find a normal narrator? R&R to find out!
1. The Beginning

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I don't own Zelda or any characters from it. *Sigh*

All the characters are like 17 yrs old, don't question anything else.

Narrator: Link was riding Epona through the forest on a cloudy day when all of sudden a tiny fairy appears out of nowhere.

Link: Oh My God!!! It's Navi!! No!!! Lord help me!!! ... Oh ... hi Tatl.

Tatl: Link, The Deku Tree has summoned you. You must return to the Kokiri Forest and accept your quest. I will accompany you.

Link: Oh good, this means I get to chop things with my sword!

Tatl: How low have I sunk? Being an unemployed bum was better than following this idiot. I should have remembered the last time I was stuck with him!

Narrator: So Link rode onward, mounted on his trusty steed with his small companion flying at his side, traveling as fast as a bullet to greet his honored mentor, the Deku Tree.

ZCrystal: Okay, time out buddy! What is with the whole trusty steed thing? How cliché is that? Just stick to the basics: Link rode Epona to the Great Deku Tree with Tatl. How hard is that? You know what, you're fired! Bring in the next one!

Link: Oooookkk, I'll just ignore that. So, what is it this time, Mr. Tree? Are you rotting or something?

Great Deku Tree (GDT): Ahhh...no. This time the danger is much more grave. Thou art so powerful, and thou are needed for a quest. Harken to me, thy time is short. As these years have passed, my roots have grown weaker. But thou hast learnt so much...

GDT: Link, are you listening to me?

Link: *Leaning on sword with eyes glazed over* ...

Link: Yes, Great Deku Tree, of course I will help you.

GDT: You don't even know what I was saying! I spend hours and hours practicing those speeches for you, and you don't even listen to me! You don't know how boring it is to be stuck here forever!

Link: Um...I'm sorry *to Tatl* Have you ever seen a mad tree? Cause I haven't, but I think I'm looking at one right now, and it's scaring me!

Tatl: You haven't seen anything yet! You should have been there when Navi accidentally flew up his nose!

GDT: Ahem...Tatl...we weren't going to repeat that, remember? Oh, I don't care anymore. I have a bad case of termites. I think you can find the cure in the bug temple. Go into Castle Town, and ask directions, I think the people will know where it is.

Link: Whatever you say, Mr. Tree!

Narrator 2: So Link and Tatl rode off on Epona to Hyrule Castle Town to ask some of the local residents if they had the answer to his quest.

Link: Hello, sir. Do you happen to know where the bug temple is?

Man: Why no, little fella, I don't. You should probably see princess Zelda about that.

Link: Why do I always end up going back to Zelda? I am an independent man, I don't need her help!

Tatl: Don't tell me. It's just like that thing where you men don't need to ask directions. Well, guess what, Link? I have ways of making you go!

Link: *arches an eyebrow* Oh really? And what would those ways be?

Tatl: HEY!!! LOOK, LISTEN!!! WHAT ARE THOSE STRANGE CLOUDS OVER DEATH MOUNTAIN?!!!! HEY!!! LINK!!!! LOOK OUT!!!! LISTEN!!!! LOOK!!! HEY!!!

Link: Ahhhh!!! My ears!!! Okay, I surrender. I'll ask Zelda for help.

Narrator: And so, Link and Tatl went to see Zelda, flashing their honorary "I'm a Hyrule Castle VIP" cards. But while they were walking, Link's thoughts kept returning to Zelda, and his true feelings for her.

Link: They did not! And how would you know anyway?

Narrator: I'm omniscient

Link: *still trying to process* Omni...science... Omni...

Narrator: IT MEANS I KNOW THE THOUGHTS OF ALL THE CHARACTERS, YOU IDIOT!!!... I'm so sorry, lost control there.

Link: No, you don't know what I'm thinking.

Narrator: Yes, I do. Pick a number

Link: Okay

Narrator: 2

Link: How'd you know?

Narrator: Well, I know you can only count to three, so I guessed somewhere in between

Link: Cheater! Tell me what I'm thinking right now!

Narrator: Fine! You're thinking that you would like me to ... well that's not very nice!

ZCrystal: Enough is enough! I'm the narrator now! So both of you shut up!

Link: Fine. Hi, Zelda

Zelda: Hey, Link! What'cha doin'? 

Link: I'm on a very important quest for the GDT. Would you happen to know where the bug temple is?

Zelda: Of course I do, Link, and I'll tell you where it is if you let me come on your quest too!

Link: How about NEVER!

Zelda: Link, there's no other way around it. You have to let me come. *Places hand on hip and begins chatting with Tatl*

Link: *thinks for a minute* Okay, I'm never doing that again! Now I'm all confused! Tatl, help me!

Tatl: *talking to Zelda* NEVER INTERRUPT A CONVERSATION BETWEEN WOMEN ABOUT SHOPPING LINK!!! YOU %#@*&)#!!! More power to ya Zelda!

Zelda: Let me go get ready, Link

ZCrystal: A couple of minutes later, Zelda reappears.

Link: Oh, I gotta get ready to Zelda, mind if I use your bathroom?

Zelda: Okay, Link

ZCrystal: A few hours later, Link comes out.

Zelda: Let's go!

ZCrystal: Zelda gets a horse named Jewel and mounts, while Link gets on Epona. Zelda and Link ride off into the sunset with Tatl following behind. Just had to get the sunset part in! 

Stay tuned for Chapter 2! Will the GDT be saved? Will Zelda and Link fall in love? Find out!


	2. The Middle

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Link: Are we there yet?

Zelda & Tatl: SHUT UP!!!

Zelda: We're stopping at Lon-Lon Ranch first so I can get some chickens.

Link: What?! Why are you buying chickens?

Zelda: Link, everyone knows one can never have too many chickens.

Link: ZCrystal?

ZCrystal: Yes?

Link: You're just doing this as a cheap way to get Malon into the story, aren't you?!

ZCrystal: Um... ... Link and Zelda rode into Lon-Lon Ranch. Link had somehow inexplicably become mute once again.

Link: HMMM!

Zelda: *looks strangely at Link* Hi Malon! We need to buy some chickens!

Malon: Sure Zelda, you know what I always say!

Zelda: *stares blankly*

Malon: One can never have too many chickens!

Zelda: I told you Link!

Malon: Oh, hi Link. I didn't notice you were here too. *batts eyelashes*

Link: Hffflllo Mllnnn

Malon: *looks at Zelda* What Did You Do To Him?!!

Zelda: It's just a faze. You know how Link is, like that one time when he wouldn't stop wearing the Gerudo Mask?

Malon: Actually I hadn't heard about that one. But then there was that other time when-

Link: MFFF!

Malon: Oh Link, you look so cute when you do that! 

Zelda: He looked cuter to me!

Malon: Do it again Link!

Zelda: Don't tell him what to do! Do it again Link!

Link *looks at ZCrystal* Arrgh? 

ZCrystal: Fine. But don't question my lack of creative ideas to weave characters into the story again! Link is suddenly able to speak.

Zelda: Just bring out the chickens, we never asked you to talk.

Malon: Whatever you say, princess *cough* brat *cough*

ZCrystal: Malon brings out some cucuos, yes I know I spelled it wrong but I don't want to go play the game just to find out the spelling, they are missing alot of feathers, and are tattered looking. One is chasing it's tail and barking.

Malon: Our finest bred chickens your highness. (if you want too know why I said chickens, check the above) 

Link: Just a quick question, are chickens supposed to bark?

Malon: *smiles at Link* That one is special, just like you Zelda!

Zelda: *fumes* I'll buy them, even though they are the sorriest bunch of chickens I've ever seen!

Malon: Show me the rupees!

Zelda: How much?

Malon: 100 rupees

Zelda: 100 rupees? For those?! Are you kidding?

Malon: What, is our princess a cheapskate?

Zelda: *looks at Link* Um...no! Fine, 100 rupees!

ZCrystal: Zelda leaves all of her chickens but one at Lon-Lon Ranch. She also buys a golden chicken leash for the one she takes with her from Malon.

Malon: Let me just get Dusk sattled, and I'll be ready to go!

Zelda: You are NOT coming!

Link: I don't mind

Malon: Fine, then it's settled!

Zelda: Arrrgh!

Tatl: Stay tuned for the next, action packed chapter, featuring a special guest! Her name starts with the letter R and she is obsessed with Link. Can you guess who? If not, then you are either extremely stupid, or haven't played Zelda! Check back soon! 

Tatl: Hey, don't look so suprised I'm doing the ending! I only get payed for actually speaking in the chapters! 


	3. The... uh... Other Middle

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Link: Oh joy! We are riding!

Tatl: Where did that come from?

Link: The wind blowing around my mass, the smell of the grass, the swaying of the horse under my-

Tatl: Just stop while you're ahead. You are not a poet.

Malon: Link, it was beautiful! Serenade me!!!

Link: What's a serenade?

Zelda: You've confused him Malon! How mean!

Tatl: It's not that hard to do!

Malon: Sorry Link, I forgot about your...condition. But you're still hot!

Tatl: Oh god no.

Link: Look! Up ahead! Is that the entrance to the temple Zelda?

Zelda: No Link, that's a rock.

Link: Oh.

Rudo: *appears from behind rock* Hello Zelda

Link: Hi Rudo! Hmm...three women fighting for my love, all desperate and crazed, two of whom will be heartbroken if I don't choose them. SWEET!

Rudo: *pulls Link off horse by tunic collar* Okay buddy, let's get one thing straight! I hate you even though we're married. You are a complete imbecile and I want nothing to do with you! I was young and naive, and you took advantage off me @$$ hole! And don't you dare think you're getting away with divorce, because that's just not fair! And I'm a princess!

Link: uh...erm...Rudo?

Rudo: WHAT!?

Link: You're hurting me.

Rudo: Oh *drops Link*

Zelda: Well, that takes care of one of the competition. Hmm, maybe if I bring her along she'll get rid Malon for me. Hey! Psycho! We're going to the bug temple, wanna come?

Rudo: Hmm...I can't embarass myself and divorce Link, but if he dies in the call of duty, then I'm single again!

Rudo: Whoo Hoo! Let's go!

Link: *whimpers and gets back on horse* D@mn! Another run in my tights! 12th time this week! Hey Zelda, when we get back, could I borrow some more of your nylons?

Zelda: Sure

Rudo: Hey Link, mind if I ride behind you on your horse?

Link: Considering that you're a psycho who hates me and almost killed me a minute ago, why not?

Rudo: Goooood. *Raises large metal object over Link's head, about to smash him*

ZCrystal: A low tree branch hits Rudo in the face. ( Can't have the hero die!...yet! Bwahahahahaha!!! ) 

Link: Oh, low tree branch, watch out! And, ZCrystal, I kinda heard that.

ZCrystal: Oh. Sorry, I'll keep my maniacal laughing down to a minimum.

Rudo: Ouch, I'm in pain here! *drops metal object*

Zelda: Hey Link! We're almost there!

Tatl: Thank god, I can't stand this! I miss my booze! But no...guardian faeries don't drink! D@mn you Deku Tree!

Malon: Here's a nice refreshing drink of Lon-Lon milk!

Tatl: What the-? I thought she was the normal one!

Malon: *stuffs Tatl into a FULL milk bottle* Now that idiot won't interrupt me and Linky again!

Tatl: *ding! ding!*

Stay tuned for the conclusion (hopefully) of the quest! Will anything...anything happen? Probably not, but I know you laughed at least once!


End file.
